Ok, I admit it

I remember living in our top floor apartment with a view (just the bay, not the mountains but hey, it was a view) and waking up at noon to the sun in my bright, large bedroom. Aarwenn and I came and went from that space in what must have looked like a tightly choreographed ballet. I had school and a demanding job as a bartender at an upscale restaurant. It seemed like I knew everyone in the world and no one could tell me what I should do. It seemed like I had so much time. In one day I would go to work, go to class, hang out at a coffee shop, have dinner with friends, watch Law & Order and still have the energy to go downtown for martinis or to 6th Ave. for Karaoke.
All day long I could be whoever I wanted. I could change my personality for every first date. At the same time I had rituals that grounded me in my life. Every Sunday I met a friend for Sunday breakfast at 11:00. About once a week Aarwenn and I would watch Law & Order to a bottle of wine.
It seemed that my life working hare at Evil-Doers-R-Us had become mainly routine but I realized that it is not about the routine or the rituals. It is not about the hours I keep or the alcohol I consume. I have been most afraid to become me. I have been most terrified of giving up the luxury of being whoever I wanted all the time.
As my life has calmed down, I have started to make choices; big choices about who I want to be and how I want to live. It is not that I am “finding myself” it is that I am narrowing down the path that self will take. As my one year anniversary with Boyfriend approaches, I have just become aware of the fact that I really like most of my life. I really like the fact that I am me all the time. I am accepting things about myself that I have rebelled against my whole life.
I am not spontaneous. I have always wanted people to see me as spontaneous because it is fun and so care free but I don’t do well with changing plans and I do even worse with a lack of plans.
I am not good with money. Money is strange because I like it but I seem to have an intense desire to rid myself of it as quickly as possible.
I cannot drive. I wanted to be that awesome chick who can just drive the shit out of any car but honestly, I am too ADD and I burn my clutch and kill my car at lights and I really just can’t drive.
The point is this: I don’t want to leave my life of gym appointments and Netflix. I don’t want to go back to working weekends. As exciting and interesting as my life would become again, I don’t want to give up the gentle security of my generally predictable life. Sometimes I am scared about how people I know will react to my less entertaining self. I still want to go out and have drinks with my girlfriends but some how the humor of Puking on the side of the road (Tacompton T, you know that I am talking about) seems to exist better in the past.