In the spirit of lists, I mean New Years!

It would seem that new years is the season for lists. ½ the blogs I read regularly feature lists as their most recent posts. I’m not one to let an obvious trend pass me by and I really love making lists for no reason at all anyway so here we will have 2 lists for the past year and one for the New Year.
First, the obligatory “ 10things I learned in 2005”
1. Collage did not suck as much as I thought it did at the time, in fact it may have been the most fun I would ever have.
2. Having a boyfriend does not have to be heart-poundingly exciting or stomach-turningly disturbing at all times.
3. My metabolism is not infallible.
4. The internet is bringing me closer to the world. In 2004 I discovered the world of internet dating and met my amazing boyfriend and this last year I started this blog and met kt who is just as or even more fabulous in real life than her blog would lead you to believe.
5. Skiing is as important as breathing or sex. I cannot believe I never did it before. In fact, as first time experiences go, skiing was much more impressive than sex. Then again I had a much better partner for my first time skiing.
6. I HATE moving.
7. Political leanings are not very important in romantic relationships. Moral values are.
8. Vacations are important.
9. I believe in God. I’m not sure who or what God is and I’m still wildly skeptical about any type f organized religion but at least I have the God thing settled.
10. Pay attention to fortune cookies. Those little bitches know what they are talking about.

Now that we have covered lessons learned we will cover “5 things I regret” because you should never regret too much.

1. I should have visited my uncle more while he was in the hospital. As painful as it would have been to see him that way, it is more painful to think that he is gone and I can’t see him at all now.
2. I should have done more training before attempting to climb Rainier. If it was not for me we would have made it. Not that I regret trying, it was an awesome experience in the truest sense of the word.
3. I should have spent more quality time with my awesome dog.
4. I should have done something to keep my sister from getting into the situation she is currently in because even though it is not my fault I feel like I have failed as an older sister and a friend.
5. I should not have had so much to drink at the Halloween party. I am sorry I acted inappropriately, tried to fix the problem while drunk, and have no recollection of the evening whatsoever. (Sorry Josh, Sorry Mama)

Finally, we have a list of “10 things I will do in the coming year.”

1. I will pay off debts.
2. I will train my dog to run agility courses.
3. I will learn to cook using more wine in the food and drinking less while I make it.
4. I will help Tacompton Tiffany by becoming the gym Nazi for her sake and my own.
5. I will go rock climbing more because I love it and I don’t make enough time for it.
6. I will go to the dentist because I have not been since high school and that’s just bad no matter how good your enamel is.
7. I will get internet access at home.
8. I will be a better friend to my Mother because she deserves it.
9. I will take more pictures.
10. I will buy a real ironing board because I LOVE to iron and this half-assed table top thing is ruining it for me. Besides they cost like $15.00.

Hopefully we can all pull together and keep me on track because as you may have noticed I am as easily distracted as an ADHD 5 year old on crack with a sugar high. Yum sugar! I could really go for a peppermint mocha right now. Wait I just had one of those a few hours ago. I like puppies! What was I saying? Oh well here is a picture!




It's me and Boyfreind at a reasonably civilized party! (I know, pictures of me on my own site! whodathunk?)

Taking a break to help eat and drink all that holiday crap

In the spirit of the season, I am having a panic attack. There are a lot of things I have not done and tomorrow is Christmas eve. I have managed to buy most of my gifts and wrap ½ of those I bought. Still, I have a lot to do so wish me luck and if I’m not back by new years you will know the stress killed me. Either that or I was run over by Santa and I’m too engrossed in the pending law suit to care about a stupid blog. Now matter what happens to me I am whishing everyone a safe (but not “wear a helmet” kind of safe) happy (but not the kind of “happy” that gives you a headache for 3 days afterwards) and memorable (but not the “remember that time you were arrested on Christmas” kind of memorable) holiday. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Fun with water

So here I am at work again. I got up record-brakingly late today and still managed to be here ON TIME. Something I have not done since my first week on the job. I thought I was in for a day of luck and joy, stuffed to the brim with the kind of fortunate happiness one might imagine a 6 year old girl experiencing should she find an entire box of puppies on her front porch. Alas, this was not to be. Friends, I arrived to work today to a ½ empty (yes I’m a ½ empty kind of a person) bottle of water I had left on my desk yesterday and because I am weird, I decided to swish the water around in the bottle to do away with all the accumulated condensation on the inside of the bottle. This included turning the bottle all the way upside down which I did, as any sane person would, DIRECTLY OVER MY KEYBORD! This action alone would be fairly innocuous except for one thing. In my desperate attempt to get out side and away from my windowless cube, I tend to do things like leave my computer logged into or forget my Tupperware for a week at a time or screw the lid to my water bottle on HALFWAY instead of tightly fastening it onto the bottle. Therefore I had to rush though the ever changing labyrinth that is my workplace (did I mention that the door nearest my cube is now a wall? It has drywall and everything) attempting to track down some absorbent material of some type. Returning with some paper towels, I clean up my mess as best I could. Still, small splashes are gurgling out around the “S” key and there is a strange swishing noise if I move the keyboard out of the way. Good times, Good times.

Blah Humbug

I am angry at the universe for raising me to believe it is my God given right to get 2 weeks to a month of vacation for Christmas, only to recant its offer 24 years latter. Why do kids and Europeans get so much damn vacation? I could not quite figure out what my deal was yesterday morning. It was much worse than a normal Monday. Dragging my self to the office un-showered and 15 min late I realized that, in 24 years of existence, I have never had to get up before noon on the 19th of December for anything I did not want to do.
Who voted for this? I want a recount! I think that my uncharacteristic lack of enthusiasm for the holidays can be 100% blamed on the lack of time having a “real” job will give you. I have not had time to go shopping, wrap gifts, decorate much of anything, find the prefect holiday party outfit, or go look at Christmas lights. Usually by this time I have decorated everything stationary, bought something for everything that moves, tied up all purchases is coordinated ribbons and paper, renewed people’s hate of Mariah Carrey with my instant love of her Christmas album, and happily sipped hot buttered rum while oh-ah-ing at brightly decorated houses.
Last night I told boyfriend that he was a snob and hard to buy things for. Are we seeing the difference here? If this is me as an adult, screw it because THIS SHIT SUCKS!
In the magical holiday wonderland that is Whistler, I had an awesome time but then again, I had time. Time to spend on doing nice things for myself and my friends. That is what this season is about to me. Next year I am taking the week of Christmas off.

Nothing says Christmas Like a List and Pictures of Taj

Today I received a glass Rooster wrapped in not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR Crown Royal bags at my office’s White Elephant party. 100% re-gifting material. Still, as I sit at my desk this little rooster reminds me of the other terrible things I have gotten as gifts. And now I give you. . .

T-Town's Top Five List of Gifts so Bad they Make a Good Story

5. This is a combo. The badness of either of these gifts would have earned them a spot on the top 10 list but the fact that they were given to me by THE SAME PERSON less than ONE YEAR apart from one another makes them definite top 5 material. I had in a previous post mentioned a small dope pipe that burned my lips, well for my birthday the same individual gave me hand-blown glass steamroller. The icing on the cake is that he, not I was the major pothead in the relationship. The steamroller was cheep and broke in less than 1 month; the dope pipe was mysteriously “lost” when I may have thrown it out the window of a moving car.

4. In my mother’s defense, she gave me this gift because she KNEW it was bad and it was actually for my dog not for me but I think we can all agree that makes it even worse. A CD of dog songs for my dog. I will spare you the terrible details. Needless to say it was never opened.

3. A stolen in dash CD player/stereo complete with install and a stolen collection of over 50 CDs. The interesting thing about this gift is that the 2 components (stereo and CDs) did not come from the same people. I received these 2 things on the same Christmas from 2 totally separate people, Yeah, I used to run with a “don’t ask don’t tell” kind of crowd. Although the CDs were stolen out of my car just over a year latter along with all of MY CDs. The stereo outlasted the car.

2. A call from jail. For Valentines Day one year, I got a phone call from a boyfriend who had gotten arrested on the way to see me. I gave him his lawyer’s number and dumped him. Too bad I took him back within a month.

And the number one gift so bad it is funny of all time. . .

1. One year at my friend’s annual Christmas party, my gift exchange gift was a happy meal with the fries already eaten. Thanx Jason.

And now, in the spirit of CAP are random pictures of my dog.


Don’t move! I am attempting to move the bag of “Beggin’ Strips” with my mind!











Um. . . You aren't going out like that. . . Are you?

Rewards

Let’s face it, most of the time work is well, work. You go somewhere you would rather not go and do something you would rather not do and sometimes you get paychecks. There are those days however, when work is very rewarding. There are those days when driving around in Hicksville amongst the “No Trespassing, my rabid dog, sawed off shotgun, inbreed children are getting hungry for some blood” signs almost seem wroth it.

Because if you can make it down these stairs



sooooooooooo not to code

you may end up on a beach with this view

And that, my invisible internet friends, is what winter in the Northwest looks like.

DISCLAIMER: These pictures may or may not be property of a very important government agency and I may or may not be in no position to post them on the internets. I deny everything.

How to booze your way though almost anything: Holiday eddition

It is that time of year again. The time when you must search your soul and scour the earth until you know the answer to the 2 most important questions of the season. The answers to these questions will shape your entire holiday season. They will define how you are remembered this year. Will you be generous and creative and charming; full of holiday love for all? OR will you be cheep and disorganized and embarrassing; sloppily slurring your way through “Frosty the Snowman?”
The first question is what do you buy for all those “bring a gift anyone would want” occasions? You know you have 12 of these parties to attend. Either White Elephant or draw numbers gift exchanges. It is hard enough to shop for someone you don’t know particularly well but it is ridiculously hard to shop for someone that you don’t even know the gender of mainly because although everyone I know could use some vanilla bean hand lotion form bath and body works, I doubt that many men would appreciate the thoughtfulness of such a gift. No music, clothes or movies; those all depend on taste. No gift certificates or money; then it seems like you didn’t even think about it. You are left with non-gender-specific, non-personal household and food items. Like cookies that come in a Christmas mug or a basket of assorted pasteurized processed cheese food spread with crackers or the fruit cake you were given 2 years ago.
The problem with that is that no one wants more food around Christmas and they will just bring the basket or cake or cookies into their office where women from all walks of life will be forced to succumb to the soft beckoning of snowflake shaped sugar cookies with icing and sprinkles therefore ruining their yearlong dedication to fitting into their “skinny pants.” Once their will is crushed they will eat their yearly calorie limit in one month and swear on their favorite Dolce Vita shoes that next year they will lose the weight. Do you really want that on your conscience? That is why I think I will just bring wine for everything. Who doesn’t like wine? At least the calories in wine are good for you. European people drink wine all the time and look how happy/healthy/skinny-as-hell they are! So if your price limit is $10.00-$30.00 I suggest wine. Over $30.00; Scotch. I don’t even like scotch but to have a real liquor cabinet you must have some decent scotch to offer people. My guess is that if you get some good scotch for someone they will either like it or they will be happy to have your help rounding out their liquor cabinet.
All this talk of liquor brings me to the second question. To drink or not to drink. How much “holiday cheer” I’m I really ready to spread around? One year when I worked for a bank we went out to an Italian place and I drank myself under the table. I blacked out before I got home and everyone there treated me a little strange after that. I never quite found out what happened. In my defense, I was 19 and just thrilled that I was getting away with drinking in public. I now have a formula for figuring out how much I can drink at a party. You start with 2 drinks for every hour of the party. This is your base. Then you subtract one drink for everyone who will be there who makes more money than you and has never seen you drunk. Then you add one drink for everyone there who has either held your hair while you puke or filled you in on things that happened when you blacked out. I know this is a lot of math but it is flawless. You just have to stick to the plan and remember that it is a drink LIMIT. You an always have less.
Now you are ready for the holiday season. Bring booze and know how much of it you can drink.

Christmas as an (supposed) adult

My first Christmas as an adult I came home from my college dorm to find that my grandmother had moved in to my bedroom and I had to share with my sister for the length of the vacation.
I bought my boyfriend $100.00+ Okley sunglasses. He bought me a $12.00 pot pipe that burned my lips because it was metal.

The next year I had moved in with the spectacular gift giver of the year before (we have discussed James and all his glory before) I was incredibly ill and just wanted some peace and quiet in our smaller than small studio apartment in Seattle. We got in a fight on Christmas Eve while I was trying to sleep he was wrapping presents to some very loud Christmas music. I moved out when he broke ½ the ornaments on my tree. I left his gifts and he kept the things he bought for me.

The next year I was still with Mr. wonderful. We no longer lived together and I picked out my own present and he paid for it. At the annual Christmas Eve shindig at his mother’s we got too drunk to drive me home and stayed at his mom’s house smoking pot and playing GTA with his mom and brother all night.

In 2002 I had finally given up on James and was dating the man who is now my ex-fiancée. I met his family and he showed me around his life in Twin Falls Idaho. I got him a leather jacket I could not really afford because I knew he would look good in it. He got me a book, some pajamas and a Ring. There was snow and music and love. Christmas had never been so perfect before.

The next year I was newly unengaged and back in my hometown. I was without a boyfriend for the first time. I discovered the joy that is bar hopping on Christmas. I shamelessly seduced my hotter than hot and dumber than dumb co-worker only to find out he had a Girlfriend.

Last year I had just had the “Define the relationship” conversation with boyfriend. I met everyone in his family. He came with me to pick and cut a tree. We went to the nutcracker. I gave him books. He gave me a book and a necklace and a dish he made himself. Everything was new and bright and happy. I felt the season in my bones.

This year I am trying not to get my expectations up but it is hard because so far, everything is wonderful. I have already had a fabulous Whistler weekend with Boyfriend. I know what I will get for him and it will be awesome. (I can’t tell you because on occasion he reads this blog) I am looking forward to the out of town friends, the diet defying food, and the romance of an untouched new year.

I love my Stevie Wonder Christmas on vinyl. I love mulled spiced wine at the Swiss. I love the lights in Westlake center. I love peppermint mochas, white elephant parties, Christmas socks, hot buttered rum and the smell of the Christmas tree. There is nothing that can ruin Christmas and that is the beauty of it.

"Heaven has fallen, and it is full of happiness and Diamonds!" or "How to solve all your problems using baked goods"

Whistler is Heaven. It is not that Whistler is very much like Heaven; it is that Heaven fell from the sky and landed in British Columbia and now they call it Whistler. I lost track of how many runs I took, falls I lived through, drinks I had, and American dollars I spent. The entire weekend was a blissful blur of powdery snow, breathtaking views, relaxing hot tubs, hopping night life, amazing food, and great company. To top it all off, my friend came home with a Big Ol’ Diamond on her finger. I would say more about that but that is her story not mine, I will however, say Congratulations to the soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Tacompton Tiffany! I will also say that I am now much more confidant about my skills on the skis and I am drooling desperately over the prospect of getting to the mountain this weekend.
Because it is the holidays and because I am broke, that may or may not happen. You see, this weekend is Christmas Cookie Day. Christmas Cookie Weekend (as it has been more recently) started out as an innocent enough tradition. My mother and her two little girls (that is, me and the little sis) would cook up 3 or 4 kinds of cookies and give them to people in pretty hand decorated “Christmas” bags aka plain brown paper lunch bags with tiny trees and snowflakes drawn on them. Over the years however the entire operation has taken on a life of its own. Last year there were at least 10 participants and over 20 kinds of sweets that went out in fancy baskets and tins wrapped up in cellophane with ribbons and bells. It took 3 days to bake, decorate, and package all the goods. We hired cheep illegal immigrant labor to package and deliver all 5,000 baskets. We set up a package tracking system ant outsourced it’s maintenance to India. Ok, so perhaps only ½ of that description is true but the point is that the event has taken on a life of its own and it needs to be stopped.
Luckily, my mother and sister agree. After being forced to put on a thanksgiving where there was no culinary theme and there was an entire turkey (my family usually has small, themed, meatless thanksgivings where we listen to Alice’s restaurant and eat in the clothes we cooked in) my mother deserves a break. Her holiday stress card has been maxed out and it is only the beginning of December. So we decided not to invite anyone else to Christmas Cookie Weekend and we decided to change it back to Christmas Cookie Day. It will once again be just the three of us. Now that we are older we can get more done in a day and will probably have 10 kinds of delicious confections in pretty baskets rather than paper bags with Santa stamped all over them but it will be seriously toned down compared to last year.
It is this plan that has given me the hope that I may go skiing this weekend. If everything goes as planed I can pull of my scam and make it to the mountain. This plan is brilliant because it takes care of both of my problems at once. The first of my problems being that Christmas Cookie Weekend was taking up a whole weekend. We now have hope that it can be reduced to one day leaving an entire other day to hit the slopes. The second of my problems being that I am broke and don’t have money to do Christmas and go skiing. If I get enough things baked and find a good discount on baskets, I can give them as gifts and selfishly spend all my money on my newly acquired adrenaline addiction.