Routine Spastic Behavior

Yesterday before I had even managed struggle my way out of the “I hate you world/sunlight/any-person-talking-to-me” haze that is a weekday morning, my roommate called me to say that my dog had not only puked up his food but had also puked up a nasty (and quite possibly corrosive) water-grass-bile concoction about 6 TIMES! In a panic I called the vet.
Vet Office: North End Pet Hospital.
Me: Hi, I need an appointment; my dog has thrown up 6 times and canÂ’t keep any food down, for the love of God SAVE HIM!
Vet Office: My! That does sound severe! Unfortunately we have no more appointments today.
Me: You have no appointments all day!?!
Vet Office: No I am sorry. All the doctors are out right now and wonÂ’t be back until 2 and we are closing early today for an all office training at 5, so you see, all the available appointments are already taken.
It is at this point that I consider pulling a John Q* on their asses. Then I realize I donÂ’t have a gun and it might just be the case that there are other pet hospitals on the Tacoma metro area that DO have appointments. Still I donÂ’t want to change vets at such an emotionally stressful time even if right now I HATE THEM ALL and want them die painfully in publicly embarrassing situations. This is the vetÂ’s office I go to. I am a creature of habit and stuck in my ways and DAMN IT ALL why canÂ’t these people understand this!?!
While this back and forth tirade rages on in my head and I mumble and moan submissively on the telephone, the pet-nurse-phone-answering-lady tells me I can bring him in and leave him all day and they will try to get to him in between appointments if they can. “GOOD, GREAT, We will be right there!” I say hanging up before she can change her mind.
In the end they did see Taj. They saw that he was fine. They saw that he had eaten an unidentified amount of used feminine products. They charged me for an appointment and a “ward” fee.
The moral of the story? In todayÂ’s over violent society it is quite likely that you are brainwashed into seeing violence as the answer. Violence is not the answer, doors are. Shutting doors, keeping your dog out of the garbage and closing yourself and your loved ones off to the world will create an entirely controllable situation, And that, my IIFÂ’s is all you really need out of life. 100% control. All the time. No matter what. Come to think of it, a gun might help with that. Maybe I will get one after all. Do they make them with interchangeable faceplates? Because I had a phone like that once and that was fun.
* You know you saw this movie and cried the whole time. If you did not then you are either a heartless bastard who obviously hates children or you were really really stoned. I am going to go with really really stoned because I don't want to have to hate you.

Note to psychotic English majors (Jacob) and the like– please ignore the erratic tense changes in this post.

Today was a day of important decisions. Today I decided to do something entirely insane. Well actually it is a bundle of insane things and when you put them all together they make up a whole colony of insane things. A thriving colony that will doubtless grow and spread till it covers my life and suffocates any trace of reality I may have been clinging to. First I decided to attempt to summit Mt. Rainer again. With the same wonderful team (who miraculously does not hate me for ruining out chances last year) but with the better snow of this year. That is step one of how to build your very own crazy nest.
Next you decide to quit smoking because you need better lung capacity for this endeavor. It shouldn’t be all that hard because I only smoke a few cigarettes a day anyway. Not to mention I have quit before. I have quit many times. I’m rather good at it.
Step three begins when you realize that quitting smoking usually results in weight gain. Therefore you decide to go on a SERIOUS diet to nip that in the bud. So you plan out meals and check calorie totals from several sources to remain in your daily target. Then you create weekly shopping lists from you menus.
Then you realize the last time Mt Rainer kicked your worthless ass off its back, laughing at your puny attempt to conquer it, it did so because you were running a serous calorie deficit. Therefore I can only diet for 2 months before I have to start carbo-loading for my climb. I. Am. Crazy.

Snow, Frappccinos, and 51/2 things I have done this year.

It is now over a full week into March. Spring is fast approaching and this morning we had snow! At sea level! In the temperate Pacific Northwest! Now if you know me at all you know how contradictory, unbalanced, and stubborn I am. If you know me well, you know that I think this combination of attributes is rather endearing and it should MAKE YOU LOVE ME. Why are we talking about this? Because I hate snow. The newest and most valiantly dedicated devote of skiing hates snow, at least snow in the city. Snow in Whistler village? That is great, romantic, beautiful, tranquil, and inspiring. Snow on my windshield in the morning? That is cold, wet, obnoxious, annoying and entirely unnecessary. I have been distracting myself all day by reminding myself that there will be 2 feet of new snow in the mountains this weekend.
Not that I have the money to go. I am stealing money from myself (this is why I can’t have a budget) to go anyway. There is something just wrong about having hundreds of dollars in your account but denying yourself things like lift tickets and Frappuccinos. Yes, you heard me. I wanted a Frappuccino yesterday. I wanted a chocolate malt Frappuccino during the worst wind storm we have had all year. I wanted this icy blend of things I don’t usually like (chocolate) and things that cause me pain (dairy) while I walked around in 20mph winds and accompanying sheets of rain taking pictures of rich people’s back yards. Why? Because this is what I do. I just wander around being so many kinds of crazy so you all can feel better about yourselves.
Speaking of bettering ones self, do you remember my list of things to do this year? So far I have a 51/2 out of 10, I say the “1/2” because I didn’t BUY internet access but I did discover I can pilfer it from a few neighbors on my laptop. Therefore actually buying it would be a waste.
These are things I HAVE done. . .
1. Trained my dog to run agility courses. . . sort of. Well he has a diploma and we all know the real goal is to be hoity-toity and better than everyone. Nothing says “better than you” like an important looking piece of paper.
2. I bought an ironing board and I have been ironing to my heart’s content. I have been loving it so much that Tacompton Tiffany asked me to teach her how to iron. Spread the love!
3. I learned to cook using more wine in the food and drinking less while I make it. I now know how to do this. That does not mean I actually do it often but knowledge is power everyone. Knowledge is power.
4. I went to the dentist. I really did this and it wasn’t so bad. Other than the man making jokes about how I am supposed to come in every 6 months not every 6 years (har har har)
5. I have been spending more time with my Mother and enjoying it. That is what you do to be a better friend. You devote time and energy to another person and then you get something out of it while no one is the wiser. Ha!
we will not discus the things I have not done because the snow this morning has infused all the negativity I can take for one day directly into my blood stream (and clearly I am not dealing well with it) I totally need a day off. Yeah for the fast approaching weekend!

These adorable dogs want you to save the trees!

Here is a cute picture of my dog fighting with Tacompton Tiffany’s new dog.
Now that I have your attention, go here and help support the preservation of our roadless areas. I spent a summer working on this project (see “professional tree hugger” in this list) so it goes without saying that this is important to me. If you ever loved me at all you will help me now. That last statement may have been a little to personal to be persuasive but you get the point.