Job Hopper

God only knows why I do this. Lately I have been desperate for something to change. I have been scanning the paper at Starbucks for “too good to pass up” apartments. I have been eyeing other people’s new cars and researching different models. The truth is that I hate moving and I love my car (especially it’s “lack of payments” attribute) and I have no intention of changing either until I get a better paying job. So, all of this anxious energy is getting pumped into . . . job applications.
I must change jobs about 100 times more often than the average person. The other day I asked Boyfriend “Do you have to fill out a new W2 thing every year?” and as he gave me that exasperated look I realized I HAVE NEVER HELD A JOB FOR OVER A YEAR! I know you all want a list of every job I have ever had and I am only too happy to oblige. So here goes. . .
When I was 16 I worked at Jack-In-The-Box for a few months. My mom made me quit because the thriving social scene that is 12-teenagers-in-a-box was taking over my mind and running my life, not to mention my grades.
After the school year was over I started at IHOP. A definite step up. But I worked Wednesday nights, also known as “senior by one get one free” night. When an 80 year old woman explained to me why her digestive problems prohibited her form eating the nights side vegetable, I decided it was time for a change.
On to Cucina! Cucina! I was a hostess with 5 other pre-college girls and one primadona gay man. He was a royal pain in the ass. Anyone who can single handedly out shine 5 teenage girls in the drama department needs help. Technically I quit to “focus on college applications” but really I just couldn’t take it anymore.
My next job was at the first university I attended. I was a lab tech studying the DNA of peas. I doubt I really need to explain why this only lasted one semester.
I tried to work at Denny’s but they wouldn’t give me spring break off.
After that I came home and took some time off to explore the wonderful world of banking. I quit Washington Mutual when I broke up with my boyfriend on Christmas-Eve and moved from our Seattle apartment back in with my parents.
Next I worked at a “Steakhouse” which was actually more of a cover for a call girl ring. The owner was fat a creepy. There were never any customers. The cook was crazy. It was, however, a very easy job. I was the DJ in the lounge and I worked 3 nights a week plus events. When I found out why there were never any customers for dinner, I called and quit.
We are now at a point in the story where I work for the same company for over a year but hold three separate positions. I began as one of three file clerks in the billing office of Digestive Health Specialists. After much reorganization and a whole office building move, I became one of only two billing office assistants. When I graduated from Community College and could work full time hours, I took a job as Transcription Coordinator; a position which involved almost no typing.
After that, I moved to the second university I would attend. Here I got a job as a pizza delivery driver. I loved that job. I was good at it. I was fast and organized and a girl so I got great tips. People would call to order a pizza and ask them to send “that chick.” It was great. Sadly I had to quit because I was not comfortable driving in the snow.
My next job was at a pool hall. I was a cocktail waitress and apparently not a “friendly” enough one. They fired me right after the New Year.
Then I worked at Rite Aid. I loved that job too. I would come in early in the morning and stock things for a few hours. Just hours and hours of organizing things and no one there to bother you. Then I would spend a few hours laughing at stressed looking freshmen buying pregnancy tests before I went home. It was great.
When I went home for the summer I transferred to a Rite Aid in Tacompton. It was not the same at all. It was right across the street from the bus station and they had me on the cash register all the time because I was less offensive than most the other employees. One day I just quit going to work. They mailed me a paycheck. I have not been inside that Rite Aid since.
Back to school in a new place again and I got a job at a local diner. I worked 3 hours a day 5 days a week. I quit when I moved home, again after breaking it off with the guy I lived with.
Next I got a job at a fancy restaurant, run by an insane woman and her husband. Great money. While I was there I did everything including the hot bartender. After he quit to move to Seattle with his girlfriend, the job lost a lot of its appeal. I still kept it until I left for a study abroad program in Europe.
Upon returning from Europe, a friend who was in the same program as me at university #4 got me a job as a professional tree hugger. Actually it was more like professional slaking off. We got people to sign comment cards to send to the forest service. We did this while hanging out at festivals and stores all summer. We would watch a show for ½ an hour and then walk around getting people to sign things for ½ hour. When the comment period ended, so did our jobs. We went back to school and I went back to food service.
This time I got 2 jobs at once. Hostess at a swanky downtown Martini bar and lunch server at a chain pool hall. Throw some classes in the mix and I was a blur running from place to place. I slept every night from 3am to 10am and tried to catch a nap after class. It was hectic but I liked it that way.
I quit the Martini bar when they would not give me time off to go visit a friend in San Diego for New Years. January 1st the pool hall called to say they had closed their doors for good and I had no job.
I cut expenses and took the opportunity to take an unpaid internship. I got to work on lots of projects and had a good time there. Too bad it was all over when I graduated.
I got a job with a local development firm. The stress was high, I began to get migraines. Lots of people quit. A few were fired. I left without securing another job.
The same friend who got me the tree hugging job, got me a temp position at her work. I really like it here I just also like health care and money.

So there you have it, my long list of failures in the working world. But like a woman who has been divorced 10 times, I am sure this next one will be THE ONE. It has to be.