It is that time of year again. The time when you must search your soul and scour the earth until you know the answer to the 2 most important questions of the season. The answers to these questions will shape your entire holiday season. They will define how you are remembered this year. Will you be generous and creative and charming; full of holiday love for all? OR will you be cheep and disorganized and embarrassing; sloppily slurring your way through “Frosty the Snowman?”
The first question is what do you buy for all those “bring a gift anyone would want” occasions? You know you have 12 of these parties to attend. Either White Elephant or draw numbers gift exchanges. It is hard enough to shop for someone you don’t know particularly well but it is ridiculously hard to shop for someone that you don’t even know the gender of mainly because although everyone I know could use some vanilla bean hand lotion form bath and body works, I doubt that many men would appreciate the thoughtfulness of such a gift. No music, clothes or movies; those all depend on taste. No gift certificates or money; then it seems like you didn’t even think about it. You are left with non-gender-specific, non-personal household and food items. Like cookies that come in a Christmas mug or a basket of assorted pasteurized processed cheese food spread with crackers or the fruit cake you were given 2 years ago.
The problem with that is that no one wants more food around Christmas and they will just bring the basket or cake or cookies into their office where women from all walks of life will be forced to succumb to the soft beckoning of snowflake shaped sugar cookies with icing and sprinkles therefore ruining their yearlong dedication to fitting into their “skinny pants.” Once their will is crushed they will eat their yearly calorie limit in one month and swear on their favorite Dolce Vita shoes that next year they will lose the weight. Do you really want that on your conscience? That is why I think I will just bring wine for everything. Who doesn’t like wine? At least the calories in wine are good for you. European people drink wine all the time and look how happy/healthy/skinny-as-hell they are! So if your price limit is $10.00-$30.00 I suggest wine. Over $30.00; Scotch. I don’t even like scotch but to have a real liquor cabinet you must have some decent scotch to offer people. My guess is that if you get some good scotch for someone they will either like it or they will be happy to have your help rounding out their liquor cabinet.
All this talk of liquor brings me to the second question. To drink or not to drink. How much “holiday cheer” I’m I really ready to spread around? One year when I worked for a bank we went out to an Italian place and I drank myself under the table. I blacked out before I got home and everyone there treated me a little strange after that. I never quite found out what happened. In my defense, I was 19 and just thrilled that I was getting away with drinking in public. I now have a formula for figuring out how much I can drink at a party. You start with 2 drinks for every hour of the party. This is your base. Then you subtract one drink for everyone who will be there who makes more money than you and has never seen you drunk. Then you add one drink for everyone there who has either held your hair while you puke or filled you in on things that happened when you blacked out. I know this is a lot of math but it is flawless. You just have to stick to the plan and remember that it is a drink LIMIT. You an always have less.
Now you are ready for the holiday season. Bring booze and know how much of it you can drink.
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4 comments:
That's it, I'm fucked for the Advance Planning Christmas party. . . however I make more than everyone at Margaret's office, so I can get fucked up at their Christmas party. I do have one question, however: most of Mike's co-workers saw me really fucked up at the company retreat, but most of them make as much or more than me . . . how does that one pencil out?
Youonly subtract one drink for anyone who BOTH makes more money than you AND has never seen you drunk. If they have all seen you drunk then it wont change your base at all. Just pile on the drinks for the people who have seen you WASTED. Sounds like you are in for it.
OMG, you are fucking HILARIOUS! thank god the people in my office like to booze it up. which did not so much describe my old company. thank god my boss had left by the time i all but danced on top of the craps table after my 5th kamikazee shot.
That was hilarious. My work party this year was so boring that I didn't even want to stick around long enough to get drunk. OK I did have about 4 drinks in just under 2 hours, but I wasn't that drunk.
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