I may have inadvertently sent my hands free headset to a remote location in hell.

Never once in the entire time I have owned it have I cleaned my car. It is not that I have never cleaned OUT my car; I have. On occasion the backseat fills up and as I toss an empty soda can or superfluous stiletto into the back, it bounces off the massive conglomeration of consumer goods behind me and hits me in the head. At that point I know a purging of my vehicle is long past due. Within about a week of this realization, I will take an armful of belongings into the house and a few bags of trash out to the can. If I am feeling ambitious, I may hang a smelly tree from the rearview mirror. That is the extent of my car-keeping abilities.
Once it did occur to me to wash the outside of the car but then I realized that I have never done that. It seemed a shame to ruin that record so instead I tell people not to lean up against the car if they like their pants. I have become accustomed to the pine needles in every corner of the floor. I know where every sticky, oozing, pile of spilt Diet Coke sits as it refuses to decay at a normal rate. It may or may not be the case that I have on occasion found fries or ½ of a breakfast bar while I was searching for my checkbook or a Decemberist’s CD. I have so carefully cultivated my mess and now I feel rather attached to it.
But here is my problem, somewhere inside this previously unexplored 12th layer of hell, is the only thing standing between me and a fiery crash resulting in my own death; my hands free headset. Since Boyfriend gave it to me, I have had fewer brushes with death. In fact, I have not been honked at, yelled at, or flipped off while driving on the phone even once in the past 6 months. We had such a good thing going, me and the hands free headset. We were really getting to know each other and I’m not sure why he ran. The last time I saw him he was all tangled up with two of my scarves. I thought he may have run off with one of them but after tracking them down I discovered he had abandoned them too. After lecturing them on first date threesomes, I thought that perhaps he had left us all. Maybe during my last purge he escaped. Could it be that my earwax or breath had become unbearable? Or was I just o careless with him? So, hands free headset, if you are out there, please come home.