“Can I Just Watch the Movie?” or “Crazy Mad Bad Movie Ruining Skills”

The first time I knew that Boyfriend and I were meant for each other in that cosmic kind of way was when we watched XXX (a movie staring Vin Diesel not a movie staring Jenna Jameson) together one rainy afternoon. We had been dating for a few months and had survived the holiday season, but anyone with a decent IQ and some perseverance can do that. On this particular day we were bored and a bit crabby on account of being stuck inside. We decided to watch a movie. The video store was almost an entire city block from my front door, so we decided to go though my then roommate’s (Aarwenn) DVD collection. While it has been suggested that Aarwenn and I are not two separate people but in fact a single person trapped in two bodies, this theory is strongly discredited by the fact that we do not share the same taste in movies or music. Case in point: she owns XXX. Having nothing better to do, Boyfriend and I decided to watch the movie.
Before the opening credits were over Boyfriend had systematically picked apart every second of film we had seen. Pointing out logistical flaws, repeating the comically testosterone laden catch phrases with his own sarcastic twists, and emitting a barrage of general snide comments pertaining to everything from the costumes and acting, to the cinematography and plot. I was instantly in love.
It may or may not be the case that I have been banished from watching movies with certain individuals. Aarwenn, for example, once started a movie over because I was talking over the MUSIC during the opening credits. Extreme cases such as that aside, I admit that I have a tendency to ruin movies for every one who will watch them with me. This, like all things, is ultimately my mother’s fault.
My entire life my mother has spent our TV time pointing out the logistical flaws of bad movies and shows and predicting the plot twists of everything. Her sarcastic attitude and biting commentary were iatrical parts of my viewing experience. I learned from this master how to use generally ignored clues to increase the accuracy of my predictions. How much time is left in the movie or program? How often have we seen or heard about this character? What is the music like during this section? I have gotten good enough at this to be extremely annoying. I was actually kicked out of a theatre once. Still, my mad movie ruining skills are no mach for my mother’s.
Boyfriend is the only person who I am not blood related to that can rival us in this department. Not only has he out predicted or found more logistical flaws than me once or twice but his comments are funny and clever. Even better still, we work well as a team. Often we can predict every single plot twist in a move between the two of us. Together we are quite unstoppable and even my sister (who is not a stranger to picking apart movies herself) will sometimes get annoyed.
Together we will destroy the world’s enjoyment of mediocre films. We will fill every theater with dread upon our arrival. We will drive my Father to throw out the television in protest and my Sister to run screaming from the house at the sight of a Nexflix envelope. MWAHAHAHAH!