Out With the New, In With the Old

Today I was faced with a dilemma of staggering proportions. I sat on the top of my dresser staring at my bed, pondering the solution for a whole 5 minutes which accounts for about ¼ of the time I gave myself to get ready this morning. I sat there and wondered “how could this happen to me?” Really it’s not much of a mystery now that I think about it. I should have known. The laws of the universe would never let my hard work and dedication result in a well earned pay off without adding some kind of random taxation. So this morning’s tragedy should have been expected.
Really I could be looking at this from another angle but it is raining like no other this morning and, just to be assholes, NPR was going on and on about global warming this morning. IT’S RAINING DUMBASS. I know that they don’t live here and I know that they produce those portions of the show before they know what the weather is going to be like but I crabby.
Right, so back to my problem. About 2 weeks ago I bought some Rock and Republic Jeans. I got them on e-bay for an amazing price. They retail for about $200.00 and I got them for $72.00. That’s a good deal, or so I keep telling myself because lets face it, I paid $72 dollars for a pair of jeans. You can get jeans at Ross for like 15 bucks. Anyway, they came to my house and they were awesome! I have never been happier with a pair of jeans. They fit well, a little on the big side but they would shrink when washed. They made my butt look great and I really liked the pocket stitching. My R&Rs and I were getting along swimmingly.
Cut to this morning. It’s Friday and everyone knows that means casual day. In my office casual day you wear something adorable, very in fashion and slightly unprofessional. We basically look like all the people you see in advertisements for Happy Hour at a swank, downtown martini bar. I was all hyped up to wear my new jeans. I Imagined wearing them with this cute, emerald lingerie style tank and my black pinstripe blazer. I was going to add stilettos and a small lime colored Kenneth Cole bag I have been in love with lately. I was so excited. It was going to be HAWT!
Then I got on the scale like I do every morning I can take it and discovered that I have lost 5 lbs. This is major cause for celebration. But my moment of happiness was short lived because when I went to get dressed I discovered that my wonderful new pants not longer fit me. They looked kind of baggy where by “kind of baggy” I mean that my brother wore this exact same look when he went through his “I am a upper-middle-class white boy thug” stage in the 9th grade. The beautiful stitching on the rear pockets hung centered between my butt and my knees. The waist was held up by my ass alone showing off my fun colored but granny styled overpriced underwear. I cried. At first I cried tears of sorrow for the loss of my new jeans but then I cried tears of joy once it occurred to me that maybe I had lost enough weight to fit into “THE JEANS.”
Every woman has a pair. They are a goal, a friend, an enemy, something to aspire to and despise. They represent all you want to be and all you cannot achieve in one (usually little) piece of clothing.
My goal jeans were purchased in Prague right before I came home after spending an entire summer walking everywhere and starving myself to stay on a budget while studying in Europe. In short, I will never be that skinny again. . . ever. I do not have the self control to eat that little and I sure as hell don’t have the time to walk that much. Still, this morning I put them on and they fit. They did not fit as well as they once did and the button digs into my stomach a bit but they fit.
So I put them on the bed next to the new jeans and sat in the aforementioned underwear wondering weather I should be happy or sad. In the end I wore my skinny jeans and I am sitting in them now still marveling at the fact that they fit. If I had only known that all I had to do was buy horrifically expensive jeans to lose weight I would have done it along time ago, and I would have bought them a size too small.