Splenda or Aspartame? Fuck it; I want Jameson’s on Ice

I would like a drink. I am at work where I am over worked and underutilized (meaning I have way to much to do and none of it requires any skill level beyond using a paperclip properly without causing injury to oneself or others) the point is I could do this drunk and it would be more fun. Right now all I have is a Coke Zero. Don’t get me wrong, I love Coke Zero. It is one of the few things I can drink that has no calories and doesn’t make me want to die. That is mainly due to the over popularity of Splenda. Splenda is like that girl in high school who called you a (insert juvenile and derogatory title here) for 4 years and told her friends that they were fat and threw parties to which you were not invited where the good looking boys shotguned Mickey’s Ice in the bathtub only to puke it up on her out-of-town-parents’ oriental rug. Just like you could not fathom understanding her popularity, you will never know what is so fucking great about Splenda, you know that deep down inside everyone else hates it too but no one would ever say that out loud so you suffer in silence while all around you others are raving about that sick feeling they get in their stomach whenever they get within 20 feet of some. The point is that Coke Zero does not have Splenda. It has Aspartame. Aspartame may give you cancer and taste like shit but at least everyone knows that and openly admits it. Aspartame is more like that pothead chick who refused to wear nice clothes and came to school drunk at least once a week. You knew what to expect from her. It’s not the greatest thing but you are used to it and fully aware of its faults and it doesn’t act all superior.
What I really want right now is a Jameson’s on the rocks. Unlike the fake sweetness of diet soft drinks (and high school girls) good whiskey on the rocks is complex and rich. Drinking it is like discovering that you have always been in love with your best male friend. It is so cool yet warms you up inside. It is not too sweet but never leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It comforts you, excites you, and your girlfriends will love it once they give it a chance and really get to know it.
Yeah, I really need a good drink.