Donut Inferno

Today I feel great; which is a strange thing to say considering my morning. Today I had a big meeting at 8:00 am with the development team for the largest project my company has EVER landed. Not that I am entirely essential for this meeting. In fact I spent most of my time spacing out while my boss and the VP talked and everyone else took notes. The point is that when you have a meeting someone has to bring the food. That way everyone knows it is a happy meeting and that no one is supposed to get canned. I refuse to make coffee because of the social implications. I am not an administrative assistant (I should get a bumper sticker that says that too, although I may not be prepared to face the wrath of every administrative assistant I park next to at the grocery store. God forbid they happened to pick up some eggs.) I will however buy donuts if it means I get to come in late. So last night I took money out of petty cash and prepared to come in a bit late.
Now if you are not an idiot like me, you can already see it coming. Like the marriage of a money grubbing whore and a jealous overnight millionaire or smoking during a gasoline fight, it was going to end badly. As big and ugly as a disaster of such synchronized beauty could be. Watching ill fated high risers fall is a glorious catastrophe to watch no matter how lowly the actors were to start.
To me “a bit” late means I get to leave 15 min later than normal. After I leave I will have to stop and actually BUY the donuts (I has just now struck me how asinine this tragic comedy is but I will continue). That means that I should get here no later than 30 min after I normally do. I usually get here at 7:00 and the Meeting is at 8:00 so that would give me 30 min to set things up. So I get up, put on my favorite suit (which is black) with the only black pumps I have (which are stilettos) and head out to the store. I decide to go to the store near work so I get right on the freeway.
My commute is more confusing than most peoples but at least it is shorter. I spend about 5 min on about as many highways/freeways. First it takes me 5 min to drive to the 705. Then it takes me 5 min on the 705 to get to the 5. Then it takes me 5 min on the 5 to get to 167. Then I am on 167 for around 5 min before I get off and it takes me another 5 min of surface streets to get to work. All in all, less than 30 min. Well not today. Apparently, leaving 15 min later will add 15 min to your commute. I was stuck on the 5 for 20 min today so after getting donuts I was not 30 min latter than normal, I was 47 min latter than normal. Easy translation: I had 12 min before my meeting.
Picture this, I sit in my car becoming more and more enraged by the idiots in cars around me and less and less interested by NPR’s Report of the senate’s reaction to Georgie boy’s latest antics about John Bolton until I finally get to 167. I speed all the way to the store where I jump out (sideswiping no less than 3 stay at home mom’s with small children) and run, slip-sliding on my heels, into the store. I crash into the donut stand and narrowly avoid a scene in which I end up bloody and squirming on the floor, the victim of another brutal donut beating.
Random assortment of donuts in hand, I run out of the store, throwing some money at the bag boy and yelling “keep the change” as I peel out of the massive parking lot in my very dirty car that has expired tabs and still has studs on it (yes I know it’s August, that’s how I know the tabs are expired.) Arriving at work I shield my self from the venomous daggers coming out of my bosses eyes with the box of donuts. “Main conference room?” I ask and don’t wait for an answer.
Sitting in my seat, thinking about how I could really go for one of those donuts that I can not comp because I forgot to get a receipt it occurs to me that this was not worth the extra 15 min of sleep and I would not say that about many things.
The point, if you can call it that, is that donuts are from the devil and I’m going to hell, if not for my bad deeds then for the sheer strength of my own stupidity.