I will not lose another lover to Mountain Biking

Now that ski season is officially over (read “I am done skiing for the season because I am spoiled and April snow is not what is should be”) I need a new hobby. I was thinking that Boyfriend and I might find one together. We could be as diligent about Rock climbing or backpacking (things we already like to do) as we have been about skiing. I envisioned the hiking, the climbing, the cute outdoorsy outfits, and the unnecessary dog accessories I could buy. I was hyped. Then Boyfriend ruined it all (well 83% of it) by reminding me of my long time nemesis . . . Mountain Biking.
See, Mountain Biking and I go way back. MB is not only demanding, pain inducing, and dirty, she is also a boyfriend stealing little you-know-what. MB is hard to resist, she is exciting and edgy. She can impress your friends and upset your mother. I thought, at first, that we could get along. I mean, Cycling (as in, on pavement) and I have had our differences but we had come to an agreement. I thought this high energy cousin could be . . . well. . . FUN!
First I tried to relate to MB on my own. You know form a friendship but she made it so hard. Hard like the ground I was thrown onto repeatedly. Our short-lived friendship was a dirty sweaty one; full of pain, suffering and even a little blood. I like my blood. I like it to remain inside me. If I must part with some of it I had better get some props for it or at least have a good story to tell. When MB and I were through all I had was an old looking new bike and a new scar that made me look older. MB and I said goodbye and went our separate ways. . . or so I thought.
The first person I really kissed was a guy named Marshall. I sort of kissed my best friend’s cousin on a trip to the ocean once before that but Marshall was the first person I REALLY kissed. I was 15. I am a late bloomer. Marshall and I were already friends but once we started dating I realized there was this other part of his life I was not a part of. This other part of his life that took up his time, spent his money, gave him wounds, occupied his mind, and in one case caused him to skip school. This other part of his life was Mountain biking. Marshall would come over and spend all his time talking to my Dad about MB. Marshall would call me on the phone to ask me questions about components and shock systems. Marshall and I dated for about a month (maybe less) before I decided we should just be friends again. Marshall was the first boyfriend I lost to MB.
Nels, the guy I took to senior prom also had an MB problem. We dated for about 3 months and he is still the best looking person I have ever technically dated. We had a lot in common but as the summer days got longer, he spent more and more time on the INSANE MB trails of Vashon Island. In the infancy of our relationship, Nels would take me on these trails. I would just scream and cry and whine about being dirty and scared and needing to GET OFF THIS DAMN BIKE so I could curl up in the fetal position for a few hours. After the second time we went, I was never invited again. Although to this day Nels is the only person who has broken up with ME, I blame the demise of our oh-so-solid end of high school romance on MB.
James (who we have discussed before) also enjoyed a bit of MB every now and then. Although MB was only one of his several mistresses and James was not as in to her as either Marshall or Nels was, MB had DEVESTATING effects on our relationship. MB caused us a trip to the hospital, nearly getting evicted, and one night in Jail for James. Those are just the list toppers.
With all this history, you can imagine how easily I “forgot” that Boyfriend is so into MB all summer. I am sure you can also imagine how shocking and unsettling it was for me to hear from Boyfriend, the he was planning on buying a new bike this year. Now he will spend even more time away from me on his fancy-pants new bike with his duly impressed cronies; all san-girlfriend of course. I would just like to say that this is not over; not by a long shot. If Mountain Biking thinks that I am just going to roll over and die then she has another thing coming. My plan has very little to do with dieing and much, much more to do with sabotage . . . and bribery . . . and perhaps a lot of wine.